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|Wednesday, January 13th, 2010|
|Friday, October 30th, 2009|
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead give-away.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone. It’s two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.
Acupuncture: A jab well done.
|Thursday, October 29th, 2009|
|Saturday, August 29th, 2009|
|Thursday, July 16th, 2009|
An effective way to discipline your child
Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments'.
One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
|Friday, May 1st, 2009|
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some Real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”( Read more...Collapse )
|Thursday, March 26th, 2009|
THE CREATION OF THE TEACHER
The Good Lord was creating teachers. It was His sixth day of 'overtime' and He knew that this was a tremendous responsibility for teachers would touch the lives of so many impressionable young children. An angel appeared to Him and said, "You are taking a long time to figure this one out." "Yes," said the Lord, "but have you read the specs on this order?"
SPECS OF A TEACHER:
…must stand above all students, yet be on their level
... must be able to do 180 things not connected with the subject being taught
... must run on coffee, coke and leftovers,
... must communicate vital knowledge to all students daily and be right most of the time
... must have more time for others than for herself/himself
... must have a smile that can endure through pay cuts, problematic children, and worried parents
... must go on teaching when parents question every move and others are not supportive
... must have 6 pair of hands…. "Six pair of hands, "said the angel, "that's impossible"
"Well, "said the Lord, "it is not the hands that are the problem. It is the three pairs of eyes that are presenting the most difficulty!"
The angel looked incredulous, "Three pairs of eyes...on a standard model?"
The Lord nodded His head, "One pair can see a student for what he is and not what others have labeled him as. Another pair of eyes is in the back of the teacher's head to see what should not be seen, but what must be known. The eyes in the front are only to look at the child as he/she 'acts out' in order to reflect, "I understand and I still believe in you", without so much as saying a word to the child." "Lord, "said the angel, "this is a very large project and I think you should work on it tomorrow". "I can't," said the Lord, "for I have come very close to creating something much like Myself. I have one that comes to work when he/she is sick.....teaches a class of children who do not want to learn....has a special place in his/her heart for children who are not his/her own.....understands the struggles of those who have difficulty....never takes the students for granted..." The angel looked closely at the model the Lord was creating.
"It is too soft-hearted," said the angel. "Yes," said the Lord, "but also tough. You cannot imagine what this teacher can endure or do, if necessary." "Can this teacher think?" asked the angel. "Not only think," said the Lord, "but reason and compromise." The angel came closer to have a better look at the model and ran his finger over the teacher's cheek. "Well, Lord," said the angel, your job looks fine but there is a leak. I told you that you were putting too much into this model.
"You cannot imagine the stress that will be placed upon the teacher." The Lord moved in closer and lifted the drop of moisture from the teacher's cheek. It shone and glistened in the light. "It is not a leak," He said, "It is a tear." "A tear? What is that?" asked the angel, "What is a tear for?" The Lord replied with great thought, "It is for the joy and pride of seeing a child accomplish even the smallest task. It is for the loneliness of children who have a hard time to fit in and it is for compassion for the feelings of their parents. It comes from the pain of not being able to reach some children and the disappointment those children feel in themselves. It comes often when a teacher has been with a class for a year and must say good-bye to those students and get ready to welcome a new class." "My, "said the angel, "The tear thing is a great idea...You are a genius!!"
The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there."
|Monday, March 23rd, 2009|
Pushkin's free english translation
‘My uncle is of honest rules,
When fell not jocularly ill,
He made them to respect his tools
And it was best of jokes he did.
His story is a science for others;
But, oh my god, it’s so dull customs
To sit with patient night and day
Not going any step away!
Contemptible and crafty get
After a half-dead making fun
And shaking pillows smooth to done,
With sadly face giving him med,
To sigh and deep inside think to:
Would devil finally take you?!’
Copyright by ally77
|Sunday, March 15th, 2009|
|Saturday, February 28th, 2009|
Things Children Have Learned
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
|Thursday, February 26th, 2009|
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
|Thursday, February 19th, 2009|
Heaven and hell
Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The policemen are English
The government is run by the Swiss
Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The policemen are German
The government is run by the Italians
|Thursday, February 12th, 2009|
To Change a Light Bulb
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes 20 visits.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
|Thursday, February 5th, 2009|
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!
* * *
It's an agreement
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master
* * *
* * *
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either ( Read more...Collapse )
|Thursday, January 29th, 2009|
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
here is something to make you chuckle. ( Read more...Collapse )
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
|Friday, December 26th, 2008|
|Thursday, November 27th, 2008|
A Medical View of the Current Economic Crisis
The Allergists voted to scratch it,
and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve,
and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Radiologists could see right through it,
and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
|Wednesday, October 29th, 2008|
|Sunday, October 12th, 2008|
1. What has two hands and a face, but no arms or legs?
2. What can be measured, but has no length, width or thickness?
3. What doesn't ask questions, but needs to be answered?
4. Where can you find the largest diamond in the world?
5. Two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each fisherman caught a fish, yet only three fish were caught. How is this possible?
6. The father and the son were in a car accident. By the time the police got to the scene, the father was dead but the son was still alive. The son was taken to the hospital and into ER. The surgeon came into the room and took a look at the boy. The surgeon then said, "I can't operate the boy. He's my son." How is that possible?
7. How do you spell "mousetrap" with only three letters?
8. What begins with "T," ends with "T," and is full of "T?"
9. You have two raw eggs and you must cross the bridge before it collapses. The bridge can only hold your weight and one egg. You only have time to cross the bridge once before it collapses. How can you do so that you can cross the bridge with two eggs, unbroken?
10. The farmer has a fox, goose and a sack of hay. The farmer needs to get across the river but he only has a small boat. The boat can only take him and one another animal/ thing. Here are the rules: the fox can't be left alone with the goose because the fox will eat the goose. The goose can't be left alone with the hay because the goose will eat the hay. What should the farmer do to cross the river with the fox, goose and hay unharmed?
Answers: ( Read more...Collapse )